Aly's Live Journal

"Her vagina is like a penis-fly trap"
-Brad, the Staff Homosexual on 'Chelsea Lately'...HAHAHAHA

"Bill, if you were to suddenly like vagina, the only vagina that you would want would be my vagina."
-Sawyer, saying 'vagina' far too many times

(Bill gives Kate a shoulder massage. She feels bad for not reciprocating. PS- this is my boss)
Kate: God Bill, if you were straight I would totally blow you right now.
-This began an in-depth conversation about fellatio. With my boss.

Bill: What's the movie 'Airplane' about??
(Stephen gives the most epic 'are you effing kidding me?!?!' face)
Stephen: It's about farmers that drive tractors.

(Not funny unless you were there, therefore here for my nostalgic purposes)
Stephen: So then I said "ooh hey"...wait no, like...I said "soo yeah"...no...so I said...then..I don't remember what I said.
-The conversation ended. Silence.

"I kick ass...FOR THE LORD!"
-Quote from 'Dead Alive,' the Stephen-chosen movie we watched the other night about zombies

There are more, and I don't remember them. Sad.

Sooooooo I tried to text him, and it failed. Conversation died within 3 texts. Glad I even put myself out there.

Fuck it.

Ever have one of those nights when no one you want to talk to is there for you? And the people who are there just don't cut it? I just want to cry again, but that's not happening. It's not fair to Jenn. I hate that Hemali and Rachel have listened to me whine about my insecurities and watched me be pathetic like a child about this thing. And I know the two of them will be like "well she knows she's going away...she knows it couldn't work..." blah blah. I HATE knowing that. It's humiliating. Why I ever thought things could be more than just a hookup is beyond me. I guess my own loneliness got in the way of my rationality. I'm just really really angry at life.

I'm in a place that I don't want to be, and when I look ahead, it's in a direction I don't want to go in, but I don't know how to make my mind stop.

I forgot to add these! I love my people.

Ian: He's more of a dildo than a man. (While discussing his short, very attractive psych professor)

(While trying to decide which type of Pringles to purchase. Reminder- he is gay.)
Ian: I think i want pickle.
Jenn and I pause and contemplate this statement
Ian: Shut it!

(Trying to figure out what Ben should get his brother for Christmas)
Me: Well what does he like to do?
Ben: Girls.

There are so many things I want to talk about, so many thoughts rushing through my mind, but I'm just too tired. I keep wanting to do it, but I keep lacking the energy.

One of these days, all my thoughts will come spilling out. And that day, you will be sorry.

Hehe, just kidding.

Yeah, my apologies. I've been suuuuuper busy, like woah. Life.

( Visa/Spanish Consulate Insanity )

So instead of doing work last night, I went bowling with awesome people. Hehe. Yay for being a typical irresponsible college student. It was worth it though, definitely. After the ridiculous week I had, it was exactly what I needed.

OH! I never mentioned this. I stopped dating Ryan. A few weeks ago actually. It wasn't going to work out at all. He was just too immature. We went to the museum of science, and I felt like I was babysitting a child. He couldn't continue a conversation without being distracted, and he had to press every button out there. It was just too much to handle. Plus he never stopped talking about himself. Ugh. There was just no spark. It wasn't going to work. It was kinda sad, seeing as it started so well and everything, but I couldn't lead him on and make him think things were actually going to work. Sigh...

QUOTES!!!!!

Rachel: Alyssa does this thing where she doesn't eat for very long periods of time.
Mike: How does that work in terms of you staying alive??

Justin: Clearly none of you have seen a horse vagina
Me: And you have?
Justin: Well- THEY'RE ALWAYS NAKED!!!

(An oldie but goodie. Jenn is on Omegle, a website where you talk to strangers, and she can't really understand the person's typing)
Jenn: If you don't mind me asking, what is your first language?
Stranger: china.

I really need to start getting a good night's sleep. When I go to bed has nothing to do with it at all. I went to bed at 10:45 last night and I had a horrible night. I can go to bed at 2 am and be fine for a while, until I crash. No matter what, I have cold sweats and nightmares pretty much every night. I am restless and I wake up feeling like I haven't slept in days.

It's painful. It really is. I am constantly exhausted, my energy level is zero, and there is little I can do because the time allotted to sleep is just not being spent well by my body. I'm having concentration problems, I'm irritable as HELL right now, and I just want to cry. Everything hurts. I know it's the withdrawal though, and that's why it SUCKS. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I was warned of the side effects, of the sleeping problems, and now I have them. Ugh it's just miserable. I wish I could sleep. Well.

Seriously, there are tears in my eyes. I think my brain is melting.

No song makes me more emotional than "Into the West" from the Lord of the Rings. Am I happy? Am I sad? I don't know. I'm just...emotional.

( Boy. )

In other news, life is life. I don't know. Everyday when Ryan asks what I did, I have very little to tell him. My life is very average. I don't think I'm ashamed of that though. Am I? Should I be? I love every moment I possibly can, I have the best friends, the best room mate, I'm doing alright in classes and such. I guess I'm ok. I don't know why I went on this rant. Everything is great and I have no reason to complain/think otherwise.

Somewhat traditional ADD-style rant: I hope Kayla is doing ok. I keep getting oddly homesick and I really don't know why. I miss Jess, Bill, and Stephen so much. Like, borderline tears. I just really miss the old outback days. I want to hang out with Bill and Stephen so badly. I didn't realize just how close I was to them until I went back to work. I felt...whole. I don't even know. They fill a void that no one else can. All my friends have different places in my heart, and recently the hole they fill has just felt so so empty. I'm failing at being metaphorical, but seriously. I miss them a lot. This isn't very ADD anymore. I don't want to get up early for psychobio tomorrow. I have a Study Abroad meeting though! Hooray for Granada! My foot is itchy. I want to straighten my hair, but I can't for like, ever. There's so much bleach/damage in my hair, it would probably fall out. Ugggh I'm never dying it stupid colors again. Zachary Quinto is a babe and I want him. Spock-ears optional. I'm all alone right now. I've had no depressive episodes. I miss my puppy. And my parents. Idk. I'm in a weird mood tonight. I love archery. And 3 am roomie conversations when we should both be sleeping. And bee-catching adventures. And new music. And hugs, which I am in need of at the moment. Sort of? I don't even know...

Love youuu!

"For those of you who don't tend to read the assignments, please read the assignment."
-Gem from Peter Yarensky, my research methods professor

(Justin receives a phone call, but can't hear the person on the other end)
Ian: HEY BITCHTITS!!!! Pick up the phone!!!
Justin: ....it's my mom.

"I feel like a witch eating a child"
-Ian thoroughly enjoyed his cupcake

"FUCK YOU IN THE NOSTRIL ALYSSA FREEDMAN"
-text from Jenn when I kept texting her while she was trying to sleep

"I'm frooooooooozen! Like yogurt in the dining hall!!!"
-Jenn again

deejaybeex: and he's a borderline ginger
deejaybeex: which is just a sad ginger
deejaybeex: I would know, I have a ginger fetish

"That class is like my wet dream"
-Anita, about psychobiology

"Why doesn't he just go fuck a goose."
-Ian

"So I was a little climate confused this morning. It's all kinds of Stephen King outside."
-Lauren, wearing shorts and a sweatshirt after walking through the ominous early morning fog to get to class

"Everything he owns is navy blue. Or plaid. So much fucking variety."
-Ian again haha

This is for Anita, although I don't like quoting myself...
Jenn- Ever since our teacher mentioned tapioca pudding I've had such a craving for it.
Me, full of disgust- WHAT?! She was describing cervical mucus!!

I need to read psychobiology until I die. So here's a quick update on things:

Illness: pretty much gone. I mean, I still feel it in my system, and my nose is all stuffy, but for the most part I'm feeling better. Thursday night was by far the worst. The fever has gone away since then, so that's a good sign for sure. People need to chill the fuck out though. I have a cold. A. COLD. NOT FREAKIN SWINE FLU! The looks I got at the airport were insane. I'm not a leper for cryin out loud! People need to relax. There's very little difference between swine flu and the regular flu, and you don't see people going batshit crazy everytime that comes into focus. Relax.

Classes: Nothing too interesting. Psychobio is sooooo much work, and this test frightens me. I really don't have the energy to study, but I know I am going to have to do it during every available waking moment I have for the next few days. Yarensky is officially the weirdest professor/teacher I have ever had. Congrats to him for that one. I think...

Friends: Still amazing. Nothing has changed :)

Family: Lovely. I went to Baltimore with them this weekend to see a Red Sox game and to just kinda get away for a day or so. It was beautiful down there. The weather was perfect. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I wasn't so sick, but whatever. I really did have a lot of fun. Plus the Sox won, so it definitely wasn't a waste of time hehe. We had gay flight attendants on both planes, so I was given crap for that pretty much the whole time. "They follow you everywhere" and such. Haha, we're all comedians.

Life in all other aspects: Can't complain, other than this cold. End of this week, or beginning of next week I'm going to start lowering my Zoloft dosage. This is a big deal. It's the slow, potentially painful process of getting off of it completely. From what I've read online, it is NOT going to be a fun experience. The withdrawal symptoms are horrendous. I only read a few sites because everything just freaked me out. It's ok though. I know in the end it'll be worth it. But for any of you that see me regularly, TELL ME ASAP if you notice that I'm acting differently than I normally do. Anything abnormal, I need to know. It's a careful, scary process that needs to be monitored. And I am sorry to once again give you this sort of responsibility. I would really appreciate it if you'd look out for me though.

That's about it. Like I said, I must study. I wrote this very fast.

So lately I've come to find myself in kind of a personal dilemma. I'm stuck.

See, two of the most important Jewish holidays are coming up soon: Rosh Hashanah (this Fri-Sat.), and Yom Kippur (two Sundays from now). Anyone who has seen "Garden State" knows that these are the two holidays that EVERY Jew goes to temple for. Even the not-so-Jewish Jews go to temple on these days, because they're so important. Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish new year, and Yom Kippur is all about atonement and forgiveness for sins. It's said that the 10 days between the two holidays are the "Days of Atonement," when you're supposed to ask for forgiveness. It's also supposedly when God make a decision regarding your fate and writes your name in the Book of Life...or not. Basically you're supposed to be real super nice those days, more so than usual.

Here's my predicament. The family and I are going to Baltimore this weekend for a Red Sox game, so we won't be able to go to temple for Rosh Hashanah. I have NEVER missed temple on this day in my entire life. I'm not complaining though. This trip has been planned for a while and my dad asked me if I minded being away, which I don't. I figured, "Meh, well I can still go to temple on Yom Kippur, it's cool." That's on a Sunday, meaning I'd have to come home for the weekend, or on Saturday night at the latest. I do NOT want to do that. Between filming, visiting other people, and this Baltimore trip, there aren't many weekends in the foreseeable future where I'll be on campus. I WANT to be on campus. I missed out on the whole weekend fun experience last year completely, and now it's my turn to make up for it. I really really don't want to go home unless I need to. But that makes me a horrible Jew, and something inside me gets really superstitious during the Days of Atonement. So, is God going to punish me because I'm not going to temple at all? I don't even know. To make it more complicated, I don't think I believe in God anymore. It's been like 2 years I think, and I have yet to find my faith again. That being said, why is this bothering me so much? Wouldn't I be a horrific hypocrite if I DID go to temple? Because I'm worshiping something I don't believe in, as much as I want to? I WISH I could believe in God again, but it's gonna take a very long time for that to happen. What do I do in the meantime? How can I practice a religion when I don't believe in the fundamentals? And yet, even when I don't believe in them, I still feel guilt for missing out on the important parts of the whole faith. Gah I don't know.

"You were just looking for cotton balls in the fridge- what makes you think you can handle psychobiology right now?!?!"
-Jenn, my amazing room mate

I love her. She's my logic and my life <3

Speaking of which, life is good. Life is happy. :)

Welcome Home, Lyss

"I like to call the uterus 'The Happy Garden.'"
-Crazy 'Making Babies' professor. Yes I'm in a class called 'Making Babies.' You're jealous

"Now on to my favorite topic- cervical mucus!!!"
-Crazy 'Making Babies' professor again

"Ian want me to cut off your arm so you can think of me every time you look at your stump?"
-Maegan

"Is that your package in my rear?"
-Quandary made with magnetic words on Anita's fridge

"Do you think anyone has ever put their penis inside a fish?"
-Ian, being perfectly random in the middle of a normal conversation

PS- i saw a picture of him today, and it made me sick to my stomach. Whether it was due to humiliation, sadness, disgust, or heartache has yet to be determined.

And so begins another academic year. I'm seeing this as my "freshman" year, because I'm starting fresh. Last year was just..not a year. It wasn't the amazing year it should've/could've been. Everyone I met and everything I did was amazing, but I wasn't. Idk, I just feel like I missed out on so much because I was so depressed. This year, that's all going to change. I'm going to enjoy every moment I'm here, and every moment I'm alive. I owe it to myself. It's going to be hard at times, I'm sure, when I'm up at 4 am writing a paper, but I'm going to appreciate it. I'm alive, and a year ago I didn't want to be, so I have some catching up to do. Let it be known that my life is something I am going to love and cherish.

I'm kinda half asleep. I didn't sleep very well last night. I think all the changes just kinda threw my body off. Hmm..nap.

Oh, and I just realized I get to see Dr. Bitch tomorrow and have her make me feel like shit about not having a boyfriend. AWESOME. Just what I really, really need right now. Bahh!

Immature men are stupid. I feel like that's redundant in like, three different ways.

Alyssa had a freak out today. Damn PMS to hell. I shouldn't even have it, so when I do, watch outttt. And Stephen had to go and be an ASS and just completely piss me off. Omg, I was furious, embarrassed, and hurt. Very very hurt. I had to go out back and do rollups for a few hours, because I couldn't look at him without being angry/wanting to cry.

Word to the not-so-wise: Do not ever, EVER, EVER make a comment, drawing, ANYTHING about my weight, joke or not. It's a severely touchy subject, and not only because I'm a typical self-conscious teenage girl. Part of the reason I was so depressed is because I didn't believe anyone could love or care for someone who weighed as much as I did/do, or looked like I did/do. After getting out of the hospital, the hardest thing I had to deal with wasn't overcoming suicidal thoughts, it was learning that people CAN love me, even with my cellulite. Having someone make a comment about it just brings me right back to where I was last winter: feeling terrible about myself. Plus I'm PMS'ing when I shouldn't be, and that doesn't help the situation.

So I was a MESS. Like, pissed off, giving the cold shoulder, on the verge of completely snapping all night. I didn't WANT to be that angry. It was stupid. Usually I'd just laugh it off and say "fuck you, stephen" or something similar, but idk, tonight it just got to me. I felt like an idiot, because I KNEW I was over reacting. He felt bad though. Strike that, he felt TERRIBLE, and I can't say I've ever seen him like that. He was..human. He felt so guilty, so horrible, I thought he was going to cry along with me. It's nice to know that kid has feelings, and that he knows when he fucks up. It just sucks that it takes THIS to see he can be a human being. Ugh

Whatever. I have people like Jess who will let me freak out and not judge me, and people like Sean who will talk to me while I'm rolling, and people like Laurel who can explain why I was acting the way I was, and people like Blake who can somehow still make me feel beautiful when I refuse to believe it. They're the ones that matter.

I'm home alone again tonight, feeling lonely and completely worn out. Work makes me super stressed. Last night I just cried..kinda like Saturday night. This job shouldn't bring me tears because honestly, none of the things I've been crying over are directly related to me. It's not MY fault we were painfully short people last night, or that a kitchen guy walked out, or that our key had a complete breakdown. It's not MY fault my boss's personal life is falling apart, and yet, I can't help but cry over all of it. I just feel terrible that it's all happening, and that there is NOTHING I can do to make things better for anyone. Talk about feeling helpless. It sucks big time.

I just turned over a couch cushion only to discover Stephen Chittick vomit stains. Awesome.

I'm just so tired of everything. Ok, that's more emo than I meant it to be, but I just want to rest. I was totally looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend in NH with Hemali, Rachel and her family, but I just found out there are going to be over 16 people staying over at their house as well. Great. Exactly what I DON'T need: more people. I just want to relax in peace and quiet, and that's not going to happen. So I deal with loud, obnoxious children and WAY too many people in one house, then I come back and go right back to work every day. Next thing I know, I'll be moving back in to school and there is no such thing as peace & quiet in college. Summer is supposed to be about working, but also relaxing. I can't say I've done much of the latter, and it makes me sad. Ninja was SHOCKED I only went to the beach once this summer, and frankly so am I. I went to the beach once, and swimming once, and that was drunkenly at 4am. Summer's supposed to be about summer flings, sleepovers with friends, and no worries. I've cried more this summer than I did when I was depressed, I've had few (if any that I can recall) sleepovers with people, and, well, we won't discuss the void that is my love life.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I've had a wonderful wonderful summer. I've spent lots of time with the people I love and made money at the same time, but idk, I feel like I missed out on something that should've happened. What that something is, I don't really know. Do I regret it? I don't think so. I don't really believe in regret. But if I did, I guess I'd say I wish I had given myself more time to relax. I have plenty of time in the future to be a working adult. I think that's the major thing: I was an adult in all ways possible. I worked, I took care of my dog/my dad when I needed to, I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, worried about money, was the responsible one, etc. etc. I didn't live the life a 19-yr old should.

But once again, no regrets...right?

Stephen: I got pretty good at snapping when I used to be a Shark. Those damn Jets, they really steam my engines.

Stephen: When I woke up this morning I could've SWORN someone broke into my house and changed all my clocks.
Dani: [in her sassy tone] Why would anyone do that Stephen? THINK about what you just said. WHY would anyone do that? You're so stupid!

Me: Deanna help me! Those two [Bill and Stephen] won't stop talking about World of Warcraft!
D: I don't even know what the hell that is.
Me: Some dorky video game that guys lose their jobs over and end up living with their mothers. I don't understand it! I mean, I plan on actually getting laid in the future
D: Clearly not by them...

Cataldo: Jesus Christ Emily, that tampon you gave me is bigger than my dildo


Once again, I love my coworkers

Sucked. A lot.

Today was lovely. I went out with Auntie Ruthie as a birthday present. She bought me a Tiffany necklace :) Plus it was really nice to catch up, since I rarely see her anymore. We're both so busy.

Tonight = Hell

We're supposed to have 4 hosts. We had 2. Bill can't leave the host stand, so we had me. I ran around like a psycho, sweating my ass off (as I told hemali, "I had pit stains down to my hoo-ha"), while trying to ignore Bill's divaness. Then the angry man appeared. He didn't say an entire word through the whole "Hi there. One for dinner? Right this way" speech. Gah I'm too tired to tell the whole story. Basically this man got angry for NO reason, PUSHED a server with a tray full of food aside (if she couldn't balance or if I wasn't there, there'd be injuries), pushed two more people, called his server a "fucking bitch" (and she's the cutest sweetest little thing ever), and threw a menu across the table after crumpling it into a ball. Our boss had to kick him out. So Bill had a freak out because the man pushed him, so he disappeared for an hour, leaving me alone on the board on a Saturday. Nice.

Stephen blew off Bill and I. How nice of him. Douche. Just what we needed after a shitty night. I left work only to discover my car is dead. Again. That was enough. I just broke down in the parking lot. That was just toooooooo much to deal with in one night.

I'm too tired to continue this entry. I guess there really wasn't more that I wanted to say. I haven't slept well in 4 days, and it's starting to catch up to me.