Aly's Live Journal

I think it's time to start accepting the reality:

My place in peoples' lives is going to be replaced. I'm not going to be the best friend, the room mate...anything anymore. It's already started to happen. I'm not a part of peoples' lives anymore. I'm just "that friend who's away." I'm going to come back and not have a place in my friend group, and I'm not going to be as close to people. I just...don't matter to people anymore because for the next 5 months, I don't really count in their lives. I don't count at all.


Oh, and by the way, withdrawal sucks. I've been off zoloft since friday, and my body is not very happy with me. The world is spinning, constantly. I can barely see straight sometimes. I hate this. I kind of hate everything right now.

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Sent by a random stranger on Omegle. Love it.

So I was doing a stupid survey on facebook when it asked me what I'm looking forward to/what makes me happy right now or something, and that's when I realized: I have no fucking clue. At this very moment, the thought of ANYTHING kinda sorta freaks me out. I SHOULD be looking forward to Spain, instead I'm like "holy shit, it's so soon." I should be looking forward to lunch tomorrow morning with the girls and Mrs. Walton (oh, and will), but instead all i can think about is that I have to work, AGAIN, right after. I've worked 20 hrs in two days. I'm sick of working. I'm tired. God dammit I am so so tired, I just want to cry. I need a break, and I know one isn't coming. Even when I have two days off (monday and tuesday), i'll still be running around doing things like a psycho. I don't get to rest anymore, and that's all I'd really like to do right now. I don't know how to mentally prepare myself for what's coming, but all I know is that I wish I had more energy to do so. I just need a break. I only asked for a few days off before I leave, but i probably should've given myself like a week. I just...can't believe how tired I am. This foot pain is....insane.

I just need to think about the amount of money I have made and all the lovely Spain things I will be buying. As for everything else, I don't even know. A deep breath maybe? A mental breakdown sounds like a much more inevitable plan. Yup.

Me: Hey Gabbi, do you have a pad?
Gabbi: No sorry. (Bill walks by) Hey Guilherme! Do you have a pad??!

(I'm standing next to the big garbage barrel with the 2009 call-ahead book, hesitant to throw it away)
Me: It's crazy! The whole year is over! I don't know if I want to throw it away, I'm scared...
(IMMEDIATELY, Sidnei grabs the call-ahead book and slams it into the trash)

Emily: Natalia could you please bring them to table fifteen?
Natalia: Eight?
Emily: (a 'wtf' look accompanying) ...No. Fifteen.

Sidnei: THIS IS IT! TODAY IS MY LAST DAY!
Me: WHATTTT?!?!
Sidnei: TODAY IS THE LAST DAY I WORK THIS YEAR! I won't be back until next year!! WOOOOOOO!

I left work tonight and had champagne with some other coworkers in the parking lot (ahem, illegal, oh well) while we talked and enjoyed each other's company. I really really love those people. I know we have drama and the shit that any friend group have, but I really love them anyway. And I KNOW I'm going to miss them a ridiculous amount while I'm away. Which is so soon.

12 Days. Holy shit.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! LOVE YOU ALL!

In 2009:

[X] stayed single
[x] got kissed
[x] kissed someone new
[x] kissed in the snow
[x] kissed in the rain
[x] had my heart broken
[ ] broke someone else's heart
[ ] had a stalker
[x] lost a friend
[x] had a good relationship with someone
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation
[ ] came out of my closet
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce
[X] kissed someone of the same sex.
[x] met someone that I will never forget.
[ ] did something I regret
[X] lost faith in love for awhile
[ ] kissed under mistletoe
[ ] got my first job
[X] got a promotion
[X] got a pay raise
[ ] changed jobs
[ ] lost my job
[ ] quit my job
[X] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[ ] got straight A's
[ ] failed a class
[x] cut class
[x] skipped school
[x] did something I was proud of
[ ] fell in love with a teacher
[x] was involved in something that I will never forget
[ ] painted a picture
[X] wrote a poem
[ ] ran a mile
[x] listened to music I couldn't stand
[x] double dipped
[ ] skinny dipped
[x] went to a sleepover
[ ] went to camp
[ ] threw a surprise party
[x] laughed till I cried
[X] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country
[ ] visited a foreign state
[ ] cooked a disastrous meal
[ ] lost something important to me
[x] got a gift I love
[x] realized something new about myself
[ ] tried to gain weight
[x] dyed my hair
[x] came close to losing my life
[ ] someone close to me died
[x] went to a wild party
[ ] got arrested
[x] read a great book
[x] saw a great movie
[ ] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[X] saw a favorite band live
[ ] did something that I want to tell someone but cant
[x] experienced something new
[x] made new friends
[x] found out who my real friends are
[ ] lied to my parents
[ ] snuck out
[ ] got in trouble with police
[ ] kissed in a pool
[X] kissed under the stars
[X] did an illegal drug
[x] went to a party (club)
[x] had the time of my life
[x] danced
[x] fell out of love
[x] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preference
[x] swam in a pool
[ ] made a snowman
[ ] went snowboarding
[ ] went sledding
[x] slept in
[x] held someones hand
[x] held someones hand that I care about
[X] told someone I like them as more than a friend
[x] gone on vacation
[x] gone on vacation with a friend
[x] driven a car
[ ] played strip poker
[x] danced in the rain
[ ] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight
[x] laughed until I couldn't breathe
[x] had an amazing year
[x] missed someone
[ ] got hit by car
[ ] sent someone to the hospital
[ ] got a new pet
[x] enjoyed this year
[ ] had any regrets for the past year
[ ] helped with charity

Details on this weekend and life in general to come later. In short: my life is epic hahaha

I am one cranky-ass motha fucka right now. For serious.

I have a lot on my mind. Or so it feels. Idk. But I won't even talk to my friends about it. That's VERY abnormal. Y'all know that. I've just been so angry at...everything...since I got home from school. And I don't really know why, and that's probably one of the reasons why I'm not talking about it. I'm angry I'm not at school where I really want to be. I'm angry I have to work more hours than I am sleeping/at home/enjoying life, or any combination of the three. Instead of being depressed, I'm just angry.

I might prefer the depression. At least that was easier to internalize and didn't leave me feeling like I want to yell at everyone for everything they do or say, even when it's just concern.

I'm sorry.

i am so sad. i am so so so so sad. i miss scott 318. i miss having a room mate. i miss the late night talks and the 5 o'clock dinners and the kleebing and jeopardy and cupcake nights. i miss the hot showers, the cold movie nights on the lawn, mall trips, the amazing bus driver, and hoco. i miss warm delights, UV pink nights, and everything lady gaga. i miss anita. i miss jenn. i miss ian, alison, kendrustin, maegan, justin, chris foss, and everyone else. i miss the laughs, the tears, the boxes of Cheeze-its and the memories. I miss everything oh so very much. I cried half the ride home because i just want to be back in durham.

And the sad part is, i just got home.

"Her vagina is like a penis-fly trap"
-Brad, the Staff Homosexual on 'Chelsea Lately'...HAHAHAHA

"Bill, if you were to suddenly like vagina, the only vagina that you would want would be my vagina."
-Sawyer, saying 'vagina' far too many times

(Bill gives Kate a shoulder massage. She feels bad for not reciprocating. PS- this is my boss)
Kate: God Bill, if you were straight I would totally blow you right now.
-This began an in-depth conversation about fellatio. With my boss.

Bill: What's the movie 'Airplane' about??
(Stephen gives the most epic 'are you effing kidding me?!?!' face)
Stephen: It's about farmers that drive tractors.

(Not funny unless you were there, therefore here for my nostalgic purposes)
Stephen: So then I said "ooh hey"...wait no, like...I said "soo yeah"...no...so I said...then..I don't remember what I said.
-The conversation ended. Silence.

"I kick ass...FOR THE LORD!"
-Quote from 'Dead Alive,' the Stephen-chosen movie we watched the other night about zombies

There are more, and I don't remember them. Sad.

Sooooooo I tried to text him, and it failed. Conversation died within 3 texts. Glad I even put myself out there.

Fuck it.

Ever have one of those nights when no one you want to talk to is there for you? And the people who are there just don't cut it? I just want to cry again, but that's not happening. It's not fair to Jenn. I hate that Hemali and Rachel have listened to me whine about my insecurities and watched me be pathetic like a child about this thing. And I know the two of them will be like "well she knows she's going away...she knows it couldn't work..." blah blah. I HATE knowing that. It's humiliating. Why I ever thought things could be more than just a hookup is beyond me. I guess my own loneliness got in the way of my rationality. I'm just really really angry at life.

I'm in a place that I don't want to be, and when I look ahead, it's in a direction I don't want to go in, but I don't know how to make my mind stop.

I forgot to add these! I love my people.

Ian: He's more of a dildo than a man. (While discussing his short, very attractive psych professor)

(While trying to decide which type of Pringles to purchase. Reminder- he is gay.)
Ian: I think i want pickle.
Jenn and I pause and contemplate this statement
Ian: Shut it!

(Trying to figure out what Ben should get his brother for Christmas)
Me: Well what does he like to do?
Ben: Girls.

There are so many things I want to talk about, so many thoughts rushing through my mind, but I'm just too tired. I keep wanting to do it, but I keep lacking the energy.

One of these days, all my thoughts will come spilling out. And that day, you will be sorry.

Hehe, just kidding.

Yeah, my apologies. I've been suuuuuper busy, like woah. Life.

( Visa/Spanish Consulate Insanity )

So instead of doing work last night, I went bowling with awesome people. Hehe. Yay for being a typical irresponsible college student. It was worth it though, definitely. After the ridiculous week I had, it was exactly what I needed.

OH! I never mentioned this. I stopped dating Ryan. A few weeks ago actually. It wasn't going to work out at all. He was just too immature. We went to the museum of science, and I felt like I was babysitting a child. He couldn't continue a conversation without being distracted, and he had to press every button out there. It was just too much to handle. Plus he never stopped talking about himself. Ugh. There was just no spark. It wasn't going to work. It was kinda sad, seeing as it started so well and everything, but I couldn't lead him on and make him think things were actually going to work. Sigh...

QUOTES!!!!!

Rachel: Alyssa does this thing where she doesn't eat for very long periods of time.
Mike: How does that work in terms of you staying alive??

Justin: Clearly none of you have seen a horse vagina
Me: And you have?
Justin: Well- THEY'RE ALWAYS NAKED!!!

(An oldie but goodie. Jenn is on Omegle, a website where you talk to strangers, and she can't really understand the person's typing)
Jenn: If you don't mind me asking, what is your first language?
Stranger: china.

I really need to start getting a good night's sleep. When I go to bed has nothing to do with it at all. I went to bed at 10:45 last night and I had a horrible night. I can go to bed at 2 am and be fine for a while, until I crash. No matter what, I have cold sweats and nightmares pretty much every night. I am restless and I wake up feeling like I haven't slept in days.

It's painful. It really is. I am constantly exhausted, my energy level is zero, and there is little I can do because the time allotted to sleep is just not being spent well by my body. I'm having concentration problems, I'm irritable as HELL right now, and I just want to cry. Everything hurts. I know it's the withdrawal though, and that's why it SUCKS. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I was warned of the side effects, of the sleeping problems, and now I have them. Ugh it's just miserable. I wish I could sleep. Well.

Seriously, there are tears in my eyes. I think my brain is melting.

No song makes me more emotional than "Into the West" from the Lord of the Rings. Am I happy? Am I sad? I don't know. I'm just...emotional.

( Boy. )

In other news, life is life. I don't know. Everyday when Ryan asks what I did, I have very little to tell him. My life is very average. I don't think I'm ashamed of that though. Am I? Should I be? I love every moment I possibly can, I have the best friends, the best room mate, I'm doing alright in classes and such. I guess I'm ok. I don't know why I went on this rant. Everything is great and I have no reason to complain/think otherwise.

Somewhat traditional ADD-style rant: I hope Kayla is doing ok. I keep getting oddly homesick and I really don't know why. I miss Jess, Bill, and Stephen so much. Like, borderline tears. I just really miss the old outback days. I want to hang out with Bill and Stephen so badly. I didn't realize just how close I was to them until I went back to work. I felt...whole. I don't even know. They fill a void that no one else can. All my friends have different places in my heart, and recently the hole they fill has just felt so so empty. I'm failing at being metaphorical, but seriously. I miss them a lot. This isn't very ADD anymore. I don't want to get up early for psychobio tomorrow. I have a Study Abroad meeting though! Hooray for Granada! My foot is itchy. I want to straighten my hair, but I can't for like, ever. There's so much bleach/damage in my hair, it would probably fall out. Ugggh I'm never dying it stupid colors again. Zachary Quinto is a babe and I want him. Spock-ears optional. I'm all alone right now. I've had no depressive episodes. I miss my puppy. And my parents. Idk. I'm in a weird mood tonight. I love archery. And 3 am roomie conversations when we should both be sleeping. And bee-catching adventures. And new music. And hugs, which I am in need of at the moment. Sort of? I don't even know...

Love youuu!

"For those of you who don't tend to read the assignments, please read the assignment."
-Gem from Peter Yarensky, my research methods professor

(Justin receives a phone call, but can't hear the person on the other end)
Ian: HEY BITCHTITS!!!! Pick up the phone!!!
Justin: ....it's my mom.

"I feel like a witch eating a child"
-Ian thoroughly enjoyed his cupcake

"FUCK YOU IN THE NOSTRIL ALYSSA FREEDMAN"
-text from Jenn when I kept texting her while she was trying to sleep

"I'm frooooooooozen! Like yogurt in the dining hall!!!"
-Jenn again

deejaybeex: and he's a borderline ginger
deejaybeex: which is just a sad ginger
deejaybeex: I would know, I have a ginger fetish

"That class is like my wet dream"
-Anita, about psychobiology

"Why doesn't he just go fuck a goose."
-Ian

"So I was a little climate confused this morning. It's all kinds of Stephen King outside."
-Lauren, wearing shorts and a sweatshirt after walking through the ominous early morning fog to get to class

"Everything he owns is navy blue. Or plaid. So much fucking variety."
-Ian again haha

This is for Anita, although I don't like quoting myself...
Jenn- Ever since our teacher mentioned tapioca pudding I've had such a craving for it.
Me, full of disgust- WHAT?! She was describing cervical mucus!!

I need to read psychobiology until I die. So here's a quick update on things:

Illness: pretty much gone. I mean, I still feel it in my system, and my nose is all stuffy, but for the most part I'm feeling better. Thursday night was by far the worst. The fever has gone away since then, so that's a good sign for sure. People need to chill the fuck out though. I have a cold. A. COLD. NOT FREAKIN SWINE FLU! The looks I got at the airport were insane. I'm not a leper for cryin out loud! People need to relax. There's very little difference between swine flu and the regular flu, and you don't see people going batshit crazy everytime that comes into focus. Relax.

Classes: Nothing too interesting. Psychobio is sooooo much work, and this test frightens me. I really don't have the energy to study, but I know I am going to have to do it during every available waking moment I have for the next few days. Yarensky is officially the weirdest professor/teacher I have ever had. Congrats to him for that one. I think...

Friends: Still amazing. Nothing has changed :)

Family: Lovely. I went to Baltimore with them this weekend to see a Red Sox game and to just kinda get away for a day or so. It was beautiful down there. The weather was perfect. I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I wasn't so sick, but whatever. I really did have a lot of fun. Plus the Sox won, so it definitely wasn't a waste of time hehe. We had gay flight attendants on both planes, so I was given crap for that pretty much the whole time. "They follow you everywhere" and such. Haha, we're all comedians.

Life in all other aspects: Can't complain, other than this cold. End of this week, or beginning of next week I'm going to start lowering my Zoloft dosage. This is a big deal. It's the slow, potentially painful process of getting off of it completely. From what I've read online, it is NOT going to be a fun experience. The withdrawal symptoms are horrendous. I only read a few sites because everything just freaked me out. It's ok though. I know in the end it'll be worth it. But for any of you that see me regularly, TELL ME ASAP if you notice that I'm acting differently than I normally do. Anything abnormal, I need to know. It's a careful, scary process that needs to be monitored. And I am sorry to once again give you this sort of responsibility. I would really appreciate it if you'd look out for me though.

That's about it. Like I said, I must study. I wrote this very fast.

So lately I've come to find myself in kind of a personal dilemma. I'm stuck.

See, two of the most important Jewish holidays are coming up soon: Rosh Hashanah (this Fri-Sat.), and Yom Kippur (two Sundays from now). Anyone who has seen "Garden State" knows that these are the two holidays that EVERY Jew goes to temple for. Even the not-so-Jewish Jews go to temple on these days, because they're so important. Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish new year, and Yom Kippur is all about atonement and forgiveness for sins. It's said that the 10 days between the two holidays are the "Days of Atonement," when you're supposed to ask for forgiveness. It's also supposedly when God make a decision regarding your fate and writes your name in the Book of Life...or not. Basically you're supposed to be real super nice those days, more so than usual.

Here's my predicament. The family and I are going to Baltimore this weekend for a Red Sox game, so we won't be able to go to temple for Rosh Hashanah. I have NEVER missed temple on this day in my entire life. I'm not complaining though. This trip has been planned for a while and my dad asked me if I minded being away, which I don't. I figured, "Meh, well I can still go to temple on Yom Kippur, it's cool." That's on a Sunday, meaning I'd have to come home for the weekend, or on Saturday night at the latest. I do NOT want to do that. Between filming, visiting other people, and this Baltimore trip, there aren't many weekends in the foreseeable future where I'll be on campus. I WANT to be on campus. I missed out on the whole weekend fun experience last year completely, and now it's my turn to make up for it. I really really don't want to go home unless I need to. But that makes me a horrible Jew, and something inside me gets really superstitious during the Days of Atonement. So, is God going to punish me because I'm not going to temple at all? I don't even know. To make it more complicated, I don't think I believe in God anymore. It's been like 2 years I think, and I have yet to find my faith again. That being said, why is this bothering me so much? Wouldn't I be a horrific hypocrite if I DID go to temple? Because I'm worshiping something I don't believe in, as much as I want to? I WISH I could believe in God again, but it's gonna take a very long time for that to happen. What do I do in the meantime? How can I practice a religion when I don't believe in the fundamentals? And yet, even when I don't believe in them, I still feel guilt for missing out on the important parts of the whole faith. Gah I don't know.

"You were just looking for cotton balls in the fridge- what makes you think you can handle psychobiology right now?!?!"
-Jenn, my amazing room mate

I love her. She's my logic and my life <3

Speaking of which, life is good. Life is happy. :)

Welcome Home, Lyss

"I like to call the uterus 'The Happy Garden.'"
-Crazy 'Making Babies' professor. Yes I'm in a class called 'Making Babies.' You're jealous

"Now on to my favorite topic- cervical mucus!!!"
-Crazy 'Making Babies' professor again

"Ian want me to cut off your arm so you can think of me every time you look at your stump?"
-Maegan

"Is that your package in my rear?"
-Quandary made with magnetic words on Anita's fridge

"Do you think anyone has ever put their penis inside a fish?"
-Ian, being perfectly random in the middle of a normal conversation